I love the olympics. It's the only time when regular, everyday people become experts on sports that no one even knew existed. You know what I'm talking about. You're sitting at the bar watching Lindsey Vonn complete in the Giant Slalom and the guy next to you is downing a Bud Select while critiquing her form on the third turn.
'Ohhh, did you see that? She should know better than to tilt her knee over so far. She could've made up some time if she had raised her arm about two inches. She really should've worn light blue, everyone knows you can ski down the hill faster if you're wearing light blue.'
Ahh yes, we are all experts. Especially when watching in HD. You're practically in the action. Which can only mean one thing - you're actually smarter than the coach.
This year, I decided to be an expert in curling. A sport which by definition should involve a hot iron and enough hairspray to deplete the ozone layer completely.
But according to the dictionary, it's a legit sport played on ice in which two teams of four players each compete in sliding large stones toward a mark in the center of a circle.
So basically, the ice age came and the cavemen could no longer play baseball. Or it was invented by these fine lads in Wanlockhead (Scotland).
Regardless, I felt the need to spend copious amounts of time studying this fascinating game in which a heavy stone is hurled down the ice at a couple of painted circles. There are people with brooms, people without brooms and people yelling. I'm not quite sure which position has the most effect on the outcome of the game, but I did manage to make a few observations while watching the matches:
1. Contrary to popular belief, the bumpy surface is not made by pouring water on top of bubble wrap and letting it freeze.
2. If you pre-clean the ice with a broom, the stone leaves less dirt as it passes over.
3. Yelling does, in fact, make the stone go further.
4. The competing stones will move out of the way if the thrower stares hard enough at them as he delivers his stone down the ice.
5. Bowling shoes are an acceptable alternative to curling shoes.
6. There are three kinds of shots in curling: the draw, the guard and the takeout. All three look exactly the same.
7. Scoring is irrelevant because regardless of whether you win or loss, one of your teammates is bound to be a bartender so you're getting drunk any way.
8. You get to wear jerseys that rival any little league team. There is protective headgear available should a shot just go wild.
Obviously I have taken much time to study this sport, mainly through my droopy eyelids as Adam screams at the tv. I don't get it, but curling apparently is a very popular sport that is regularly played throughout the country even though we only recognize the fact that it exists every four years.
In conclusion, I digg it (roll it, throw it, deliver it, etc)...do you?
